The Most Common Problem

After people have met their basic requirements for food, clothing and shelter, the most common cause of human misery is difficulty forming and sustaining satisfying relationships. This difficulty can contribute to anxiety, depression, and addiction.

The Dilemma

On the one hand, we want a sense of acceptance and belonging — with a partner, family, friends, and community. This connectedness provides us with a sense of safety, stability, and security. On the other hand, we want to be completely and openly ourselves, including all of our wishes and desires. These desires, of course, include the aggressive and “selfish” parts of our nature — such as wishes for power, attention, and adventure.

Often we feel we have to choose one or the other.

We may hide or deny parts of our true selves in an attempt to secure acceptance. But this is unsatisfying because those denied parts demand expression. Alternately, we may defiantly assert our individuality, only to find ourselves isolated.

The Solution

It is through experiences of mutual recognition and acceptance that we begin to integrate the seemingly irreconcilable aspects of ourselves. By definition, mutuality requires the presence of others — you can’t be “mutual” by yourself. Once we can genuinely affirm our own and others’ needs for both security and adventure, power and surrender, attention and generosity, we have the skills to form and sustain satisfying relationships.

If you lack these skills, or your tools aren’t as sharp as you’d like, I offer two ways to help you improve in relationships: Couples Counseling, and Group Counseling.