In working with couples, I maintain that each partner has legitimate desires and goals — even if, at first, these goals appear irreconcilable. I begin by trying to understand each side equally, checking in frequently to see that I’ve understood the needs and concerns of each partner. As this information unfolds, we’ll all begin to get a clearer picture of your relationship’s unique conflict cycle.

It is this conflict cycle that needs to be unpacked and dismantled, not the relationship.

To do this, partners need to see themselves as teammates, rather than competitors. The goal of the team is to beat the conflict cycle, not each other. Let’s extend the metaphor: With me as the coach and the two of you as the players, we’ll work carefully and collaboratively to observe the precise moments in the game when the plays go awry. Together, we’ll uncover exactly how you’re doing it. There are moves you’ve been practicing for years that are hurting your game. We’re going to correct these, and get your team the winning record you want.

The work involves giving considerable attention to our internal experience and external behavior, and invites a certain amount of emotional risk. Yet the rewards — a balance of excitement and security, intimacy and autonomy — are worth it.

If you’d like more information, contact me.